Friday, August 06, 2010

And so her heart hurts.
It pains her. so badly. so much.

She just wanna leave this world.
At times.But she's just afraid.And never had the guts.

I have to smile at 1million people at work daily.
Pretend that everything is alright even when its not.
When stress level is all at the top and I have to suck it all in.
But. why is it. I have to keep up that fake image.
And smile when Im most comfortable at home
And talk to everyone like my day had been perfect.
And be happy go lucky. And pretend to be happy just so you guys can be happy.
Why can't I be in my own world at my own comfort zone.
If this is home Im returning to, than, how is it different from the hypocrisy work world that Im in?

I used to be this, I used to be that.
Don't you people understand that people do change?
And its all affected by the environment.
I can't be that perfect little gurl I have always been.
I can't be smiling non stop for heavens sake.
I can't tell u my problems when I am totally sick and disgusted by it all myself.

I don't ask u to decipher my mindset .
All I ask is, give me the comfort zone at my level.
And please. don't question my behaviour.
How is it that when I talk about my problems, u guys are gonna help me.
How does it work when it didn't happened 2years ago and its gonna happen now.
How is it now Im the selfish one who doesn't wanna understand any problems you guys are going through.
How is it I do not understand that Im not the only FUCK UP person whose feeling so FUCK UP and stress.
How is it I have to go through life knowing I totally hate living in this world.

And u thought of me to forgot who had been through with me 22 years of my life.
And u thought of me to forgot who brought me up 22 years of my life.
And u thought of me to distance my self now that I have grown 22 years old.
And u thought of me to stopped talking and caring.
And u thought of me to have change and be a total different person.
These words. pierce through me. Simply like how I couldnt find the blade.
These words.for once.tears didn't fall. And I realize heartache ain't all about tears.
This pain.inmyheart.
Like when ure bleeding and u didn't realize how on the verge of death your nearly at.

I wasn't blocking out your words when Im quiet.
I was listening attentively. Wondering where is it I have gone wrong.
And every single sentence I placed it deep in my heart.
Like a single heavy stone multiplied a million times.
This was how heavy my heart felt.

For once the tears wouldn't come out.
This is how badly she's hurt.


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